Questions & Answers

     [EGW editor’s preface: One of our readers emailed me asking if she could ask a question concerning her mother and divorce.  My answer was that of course she could ask any bible-related questions she wanted to ask, and I promised that if I was able to answer them, my answer would be based upon the Scriptures.  She then gave me her question.  I was not able to provide the yes-or-no answer she requested, but I did provide her some useful Scripture-based suggestions to consider.  Possibly you are connected with a similar situation in your life and are experiencing similar concerns. In that case, I hope you find this article useful and motivating.
     (As with any question concerning what we hope to learn from the Bible, we must always strive to apply good hermeneutics and to let the Bible interpret itself.   For more tips on good Bible-reading skills, click the subjects Hermeneutics and Bible study)]


A reader’s question about her mother and divorce
by David Churchill

      A reminder to our readers — Bible-based questions from our readers are always welcome.  You may be struggling with questions and issues that the other contributing authors and I have already studied and discovered God’s solutions.  I don’t claim we have all the answers, but I do promise that our answers will be based solidly upon the Scriptures.
     I may use your question and my answer in the website’s Q & A column, but your name and contact information will not be included.  (See our other Q&A articles as examples of this.)

     Hebrews 11:6 tells us that God is a rewarder of those who seek Him.  2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us that the Scriptures are profitable for teaching, reproof, correction, and instruction in righteousness so that we may be adequate, equipped for every good work.  Psalm 1:1-6 tells us that the Lord knows the way of the righteous.  These are good and encouraging things to keep in mind while we study the Bible learning from God how to do what is right.
     Please keep in mind that exploring God’s written word can lead to unexpected, sometimes even uncomfortable, discoveries.  In Matthew chapter 19 and Mark chapter 10, some Pharisees came asking Jesus questions about divorce… and He gave them answers they had trouble accepting.
     My point is that God’s written word doesn’t always tell us what we want to hear, but it does tell us what we need to know.
— — — — —
     Here is the condensed version of the question and general background information this particular reader provided me…
     “This is important and concerning to me because I owe my mother a lot.  My mother raised me by herself until I was 17 years old.  The reason my mother raised me alone was because she got divorced a few months after I was born.  She married my biological father when she was 18 and I was born about a year into the marriage.  She divorced him that same year at age 19, after frequent heavy and eventually life-threatening abuse.  She left to protect both herself and me.
     She worked hard after that to give me a strong education and make sure I was taken care of… often working two jobs and going to bed hungry herself to ensure I got complete meals.  Just a few years ago, she married a second time.  He was several years younger, but she loved him very much and she realized he could help me into a college education.  She passed away in her sleep this past year.
     I’m worried about her given some of the things that I’ve seen about remarrying after divorce being adultery and the fact that she died in her sleep in her 2nd marriage.  I’m worried that she died in adultery and that it was in part for me.
     Did she die in adultery
?”

     To start with, thank you for your courage in asking your question and for your appreciation of all the positive things & direction your mother strove to provide you.
     There’s a Greek verb translated as “judge” that has the sense of examining, investigating, questioning, sifting the evidence as the apostle Paul mentions in 1 Corinthians 2:14-15 and as Jesus describes in Matthew chapter 7:3-6.  God does expect us to judge in that sense of to examine and I think you’re showing the right attitude by examining life’s situations in light of what you’re learning from God’s written word.  This is the same attitude Paul teaches in 2 Timothy 3:16-17, “
All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.
     Another Greek verb translated as “judge” has the sense of distinguishing and discerning the facts of a matter.  This word is used by Jesus in Matt. 16:3, by Paul in 1 Cor. 6:5, and the writer in Hebrews 5:13-14.  God also expects us to judge in that sense of to discern.  You’ve discerned and understand the fact that your mother loved you very much and that she sacrificed much so you could have what you genuinely needed most.  I feel that’s what she would tell you today if she were permitted… that she loves you and still wants you to have what you genuinely need most.

     I promised you that if I could answer your question, that answer would be solidly based upon the Scriptures.  You then explained what you know of your mother’s situation and asked me if your mother died in adultery while married to her second husband.  I don’t have that Yes-or-No answer to give you, but here’s what I can tell you.

     1.  I lack sufficient first-hand information to make a for-certain discernment myself.
     a.  For example, was your mother’s first marriage also her husband’s first marriage?  If not, possibly it was not even a covenant marriage as defined by the Scriptures and not acceptable to God, so she would still have been free to marry.
     b.  If her first marriage was a covenant marriage acceptable in God’s sight, was adultery involved on the husband’s part?  Being an abuser, there is a good chance he was also unfaithful to your mother, which would make her divorce from him valid according to Scripture, as long as your mother had been faithful to him.
     c.  IF her first marriage ended on Scriptural grounds, then was her second husband ever married before?  If not, then no problem.  If yes, then what was the condition of his earlier marriage & divorce?

     — My past experience and observations have been this — It’s extremely difficult getting accurate answers to these sorts of questions even when talking to the people directly involved if time, fear, and/or pride have affected their memories.  It’s almost impossible when years afterward talking with those were only indirectly involved or indirectly present.
     d.  A more important priority to consider is what was your mother’s relationship with Jesus… i.e. was she seeking to please God, had she obeyed the gospel according to the New Testament?  Our society’s criteria of what God accepts often ignores God’s criteria.  Marriage, divorce, and remarriage are three examples.  How a person becomes a Christian and what God expects from that person as a Christian are two other examples (2 Timothy 2:19).  Whose criteria did she prefer to learn and apply?  Romans 8:28 tells us that, “
God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according (in other words, attracted and motivated by) His purpose.” (NASB)  Hebrews 11:6 tells us, “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” (NKJV)

     2.  Which reminds us… it’s God’s place, not mine or yours, to judge people for salvation or condemnation.
     In Matthew 7:1-2 Jesus tells us, “
Do not judge so that you will not be judged.  For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.” (NASB)  The Greek verb He uses here for “judge” has the sense of separating out to condemn… like from the vegetable harvest separating out the rejects to discard them.  And so we understand Jesus here is cautioning us to not take it upon ourselves to condemn others, to choose who is going to hell or heaven, because there will be consequences if we do.  “Do not (condemn) so that you will not be (condemned).  For in the way you (condemn), you will be (condemned); and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.
     Jesus uses this same Greek verb of judge-condemn in John 12:46-50 as He explains what will actually judge-condemn people at the final judgement.  “
I have come as Light into the world, so that everyone who believes in Me will not remain in darkness.  If anyone hears My sayings and does not keep them, I do not (condemn) him; for I did not come to (condemn) the world, but to save the world.  He who rejects Me and does not receive My sayings, has one who (condemns) him; the word I spoke is what will (condemn) him at the last day.  For I did not speak on My own initiative, but the Father Himself who sent Me has given Me a commandment as to what to say and what to speak.  I know that His commandment is eternal life; therefore the things I speak, I speak just as the Father has told Me.” (NASB)  Essentially, at the last day, if God’s condemnation is applied to someone, Jesus says it would be because of that person’s unbelief, not listening, not keeping / obeying, rejection, and unacceptance of Jesus’ sayings, words, and commandments as recorded in the Bible… which do include His instructions about marriage, divorce, and remarriage.  We also see here Jesus’ motivation… His desire to help us and rescue us from condemnation.
     In all cases, ultimately salvation is up to God.  He has revealed His will through His written word and that word is the standard He applies in the final judgment.  It means that, through the Bible, He has told us how to become reconciled to Him and how to stay reconciled with Him.  We can pursue, obtain, and enjoy salvation for ourselves (see Matt. 4:4; Luke 6:46-49; John 20:30-31;Romans 10:6-17).  We can warn and encourage those still living to choose and accept God’s salvation (see Matt. 28:19-20; Mark 16:15-16; Acts 2:37-42; Corinthians 5:9-12, 17-21) and we can even discern it impacting their lives enough for us to recognize it (see Colossians 1:2-12), but we cannot decide or choose it for them.  Nor can we decide or choose it for the deceased.

     3.  Since we cannot impact or change any deceased person’s condition towards God, we should avoid worrying or dwelling on it.  (A related Q&A article explaining that thought is “What is the meaning of “baptized for the dead” in 1 Cor. 15:29?)
     In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus tells us we shouldn’t worry about the things we cannot change or even about the things we need and He urges us to be trusting God instead.  In verses 33-34 we read, “
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (NASB)
     The apostle Peter explains it this way in 1 Peter 5:6-7, “
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” (NASB)  This doesn’t mean we have no responsibilities towards our families & households and God & His church to fulfill, but we fulfill them by acting and not by worrying (Galatians 6:6-10; 2 Thessalonians 3:10-13; 1 Timothy 3:15, 5:8).  And, according to Paul in 2 Timothy 2:19, we can trust God to be fair, ‘Nevertheless, the firm foundation of God stands, having this seal, “The Lord knows those who are His,” and, “Everyone who names the name of the Lord is to abstain from wickedness.

     4.  If the deceased were permitted to talk to the living today, what sort of advice would your mother give you?
     Well, we know Jesus is in heaven at the right hand of God (see Mark 16:19; Luke 22:69; Acts 2:33; Acts 5:31; Acts 7:55-56; Romans 31-39; Colossians 3:1; Hebrews 12:1-3; 1 Peter 3:15-22).  And we have a good idea as to the advice He would give you (see John 12:44-50; John 3:16-21; Matthew 6:33-34).
     If your mother is now in the presence of Jesus, she would urge you to follow His advice because she knows He wants what’s best for you.  She knows the thing you need most is to be diligently seeking God according to His written word so you can have the best reward possible… living with Jesus now in your life (Matt. 13:44-46; John 15:1-11; 1 John 3:18-24) and eventually being in His presence with God (Rom. 8:28; Heb. 11:6; Matt. 5:31-46; Rom. 6:22-23).
     If I understand correctly Jesus’ account of the rich man and Lazarus in Luke 16:19-31, and if the rich man is representative of those deceased now in torment, then we should discern that none of them want any of the people they cared about to be there in torment with them.
     I never knew your mother personally, but I do know from the Scriptures the gist of what she would advise you now if she were permitted.  Loved ones in paradise would encourage the living to diligently seek God now before it’s too late.  Loved ones in torment would encourage the living to diligently seek God now before it’s too late.

     Almost all of us know friends or family members, or even we ourselves, who are living or had lived in society-acceptable remarriages.  Some, if not most, of these relationships are unacceptable, are even condemnable, by God.  Certainly considering any genuine solution will be emotion-stirring and thought-provoking.  If you haven’t already, I suggest you read our serial article “Exploring God’s Word for answers to the Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage dilemma”.   (You may download a PDF copy of the entire article here.
)   As part of its exploration and discussion of the relevant Bible passages it also addresses several of the thoughts and emotions I’ve noticed people tend to experience and express.

     In your knowing how much your mother loved you and did many things (whether in part or in whole) to provide you what you needed, you might be tempted to feel like some of that was your fault.  I don’t feel you should think that way.  Admittedly, as people interact, each person provides some influence to the others and responds in one way or another to the influence from those others.  Like your mother’s training influenced your character and your mother’s love responded to your needs… all part of good parenting.  But I do want to point you towards something else to consider.
     Earlier we looked briefly in the New Testament at how God judges in terms of His method… Jesus in John 12:44-50 tells us that, essentially, God uses the words of Jesus to examine a person’s life and then judges accordingly.  Now I want us to look briefly in the Old Testament at how God judges in terms of His attitude and character.

     Colossians 2:8-14 tells us that Jesus ended the law of the Old Testament by nailing it to the cross and that’s why we strive now to live according to the words of Jesus instead of the Old Testament.  But Romans 15:4 also tells us that what was written in the Old Testament was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
     In Ezekiel chapter 18, God reveals several things about Himself as He explains how He judges people.  We learn that:
     (1
)  He rewards the righteous as being righteous and the wicked as being wicked… (as we pointed out from 2 Timothy 2:19, He doesn’t get confused about that sort of thing). — vs. 5-18
     (2
)  He doesn’t hold parents accountable for the sins of their children and He doesn’t hold children accountable for the sins of their parents. — vs. 4, 17-20
     (3
)  He rewards as being righteous those who turn away from doing what’s wrong towards doing what’s right. — vs. 21-22, 27-28
     (4
)  He rewards as being wicked those who turn away from doing right towards doing what’s wrong. — vs. 24, 26
     (5
)  He knows for Himself that this way He judges is very fair, even though some people are complaining that He is unfair. — vs. 19, 25, 29
     (6
)  He rewards spiritual life or spiritual death to each person according his or her own conduct. — vs. 30
     (7
)  He urges each person to repent from doing wrong so he or she can avoid being judged as wicked. — vs. 30-31
     (8
)  He has no pleasure in the death of anyone who spiritually dies, so He wants everyone to repent and spiritually live. — vs. 23, 31-32
     Please understand He’s talking about rewarding spiritual life or death based upon a person’s obedience to God during physical life. Otherwise, how could a person “dead” in his sins repent and “live”?  Jesus uses the same distinction in John 11: 25-26 when He says, “
he who believes in Me will live (dgc: spiritually) even if he dies (dgc: physically), and everyone who lives (dgc: physically) and believes in Me will never die (dgc: spiritually).
     In Ezekiel chapter 33:1-20, God states again several of these same thoughts, but He also puts additional urgency into explaining about how He requires the righteous to warn those doing wrong to repent.  He does not hold the righteous accountable for what the wicked do, but He does hold them accountable for not warning the wicked as He instructed.  This urgency comes from God’s passionate attitude.  He will judge and punish the wicked, each on his or her own conduct, but He really genuinely prefers that they repent so He doesn’t have to punish them.

     My point?  Two qualities of God’s character are that (1) He prefers to be lenient and yet (2) He is always fair in how He judges each person.  How God will judge your mother in the last day is no longer our affair.  We can’t impact it and God will not hold us responsible for the good, bad, or questionable choices she made.  God will hold you and me accountable only for what you and I choose to do.
     The apostle Paul tells Christians in 2 Corinthians 13:5 to examine themselves to see if they are in the faith… to see that they are in Christ.  Romans 10:17 tell us that faith in Christ comes hearing the word of Christ.  Test yourself for yourself.  Are you trying to remove from your life whatever Jesus’ words spell out is wrong?  Are you wanting and trying to do what Jesus spelled out is right?  Are you diligently desiring and searching to know and apply those words of Jesus that God graciously gives you through the Bible allowing you to know His will?  Are you repenting from the wrongs and mistakes you made against God?  Are you in Christ… have you followed His instructions for entering into Christ and are you living faithfully in Him?  Are you joyous and thankful towards God whenever you realize you are doing what’s right according to Jesus’ words?  Are you warning those erring towards God that they should repent and seek God?  Are you encouraging those spiritually alive in Christ to continue seeking to please God?

     The past is out of our control.  Any cares and concerns we have about the past we must leave in God’s hands as we allow Him to help us correct the courses of our own futures.  Your responsibility and my responsibility are to stay on His course by diligently seeking God trusting Him to be fair with His promised rewards (Hebrews 11:6).
     As Paul neared the time of his foreseeable execution, he tells us through his second letter to Timothy what he expected and trusted of God, “
For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come.  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.” (4:6-8)



      © David G. Churchill; used by permission. rev.150622
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