[EGW editor's preface:  I occasionally will feature an article other than when I first added it to our Exploring God's Word library.  Once after re-featuring our Q&A article about confession, To whom and how should one confess sin?, one of our readers sent in a question regarding confession today of a particular situation he had experienced several years earlier.  I am presenting his question along with my answer here as an example of when “confession” is inappropiate and likely would cause more harm than good.  As with any question concerning what we hope to learn from the Bible, we must always strive to apply good hermeneutics and to let the Bible interpret itself.
     (For more tips on good Bible-reading skills, click the subjects Hermeneutics and Bible study)]

      Here is the condensed version of the question and general background information this particular reader provided me…
     “My wife and I have been married for nearly 25 years.  About 21 years ago, I was confronted with a situation that could have led to an adulterous relationship with a beautiful, enticing woman.  She actually kissed me in a moment in which we were alone together, and I kissed her back, but didn't pursue it any further, in fact, I immediately distanced myself from any further contact with the woman.  I did not want to violate my marriage vows through adultery.  It was over immediately, and looking back, I am so thankful God gave me the strength to overcome temptation.
     My wife never knew, and I have never allowed myself to come close to that situation again.  I have asked God to grant me forgiveness, and I know through the Word from 1 John 1:9, I am forgiven.  My question is, do I need to confess this incident to my wife??  I want to reiterate, I did not allow this situation to escalate, and did not ever again put myself in a vulnerable position.
     Thank you for any help you can give me on this.”
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     Thank you for your recent question about confession.  The temptation scenario you describe is more common and more attracting than most men are willing to honestly admit.  I appreciate your courage and candor in your ambition both to do what is right and to examine if any more action might still be needed.
     My Q&A article, "To whom and how should one confess sin?" covers the fundamental principles concerning biblical confession.  If you haven't already read it, please do so before continuing here.  That will allow me to concentrate upon applying those principles to your situation.  The collective gist of those principles is this:

     Bible-based confession…
          … involves repentance by the sinner,
          … invites forgiveness from those who already know about and/or who are affected by the sin,
          … seeks faithful growth in the Lord.


     Based upon the details you provided me with your question, my answer is … no, I do not see a need for you to tell your wife about this incident and recommend you do not bring it up to her.  Why is that my assessment?

     • Because… you sincerely valued your marriage vows, and so you immediately took steps after the inappropriate kiss to escape being drawn away (1 Corinthians 10:13) and enticed in desire for another woman. (James 1:12-15)  You prevented a dangerous situation of lust from maturing into the condemnable sin of physical adultery. (1 Corinthians 6:9-10; cf. example of Joseph in Genesis 39:7-12)
     • Because… you have already confessed to yourself that your lusting for this woman was wrong (Matthew 5:27-30), rebuked yourself, and repented accordingly. (1 John 1:5-10)  You still continue to avoid that sort of misdirected affection.  In which case you have already successfully repented from it as much as can be done.  Telling your wife won't help her help you (through her rebukes or exhortations) repent more completely.
     • Because… this resolute action and determination on your part long ago already confessed your repentance to all three witnesses of the wrong… you, the other woman, God. (1 Peter 4:1-5)
          — God's expectation of us is that "while we have opportunity, let us do good to all…" (Galatians 6:1,9-10).  Any realistic opportunity for you to request and offer the other woman forgiveness, after over two decades of being totally distanced apart, has faded away to non-existent.
          — If you haven't done so yet, you need to forgive yourself as a matter of principle and move on. (2 Corinthians 2:7-8; Mark 11:25-26; Hebrews 6:17-19).
          — Not having witnessed your mistake itself or any aftermath that revealed your mistake, your wife has never felt wronged by you about this event nor is she holding it against you, and therefore has nothing about it to forgive you. (Luke 17:1-4)  If, on the other hand… without your knowledge… she was aware of your mistake and had forgiven you long ago without holding it against you, then she has nothing about it now to forgive you.
          — Which leaves us to the one remaining witness, one interested in your spiritual welfare, and the one who was ultimately wronged… God.  You've already requested and are trusting God to have forgiven you, and He is genuinely eager to forgive all who truly repent from the wickedness they've done. (Psalm 79:9; Acts 26:18; Ephesians 4:30-5:10; Luke 15:7,10; Ezekiel chapters 18 & 33)
     • Because… the final thing to do with forgiven sins is to cover them and forget about them.  In Hebrews 10:11-18 we are told that the Lord forgets and ignores the sins He's forgiven.  In Proverbs 17:9 the writer advises us to do the same, "He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends." (New American Standard Bible translation)  The closest people a man can have as his intimate friends are himself and his wife… he needs to treat them as such by covering and forgetting the forgiven sins.

     The remaining consideration for you is to focus on doing whatever will help you and your wife seek faithful growth in the Lord.  That includes…
     … learning from His written word what pleases Him (John 3:16-17; Matthew 7:21-23; Ephesians 4:17-19; Ephesians 5:6-10; Colossians 2:8-14; Colossians 3:16-17; James 1:21-25),
     … entering into Christ (Mark 10:16; Romans 10:17; Acts 17:30-31; Acts 2:28; Luke 12:8; Matthew 28:18-20; Romans 6:3-4; 1 Corinthians 12:13; Galatians 3:27; 1 Peter 3:18-22),
     … living with Christ as your Lord (John 12:44-50; Luke 6:46-49; 2 Timothy 2:15; 2 Timothy 3:16-4:5; 2 Peter 1:3-11; John 3:18-21; 2 Timothy 2:19-26; 2 Corinthians 5:5-11, 14-18),
     … honoring what the Lord instructed through the Hebrews writer in Hebrews 13:4, "Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge." (New American Standard Bible translation)

     From the Bible's perspective, I see nothing to be gained for you or your wife or your relationship with her by bringing up an isolated indiscrete kiss which happened decades ago and which does not reflect how you're living now towards your wife or the Lord.  My personal opinion is that telling her now would at best be a waste of time and likely be much worse causing more harm than good.
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     A reminder to our readers — Bible-based questions from our readers are always welcome.  You may be struggling with questions and issues that the other contributing authors and I have already studied and discovered God’s solutions.  I don’t claim we have all the answers, but I do promise that our answers will be based solidly upon the Scriptures.
     I may use your question and my answer in the website’s Q & A column, but your name and contact information will not be included.  (See our other Q&A articles as examples of this.)

     Hebrews 11:6 tells us that God is a rewarder of those who seek Him.  2 Timothy 3:16-17 tells us that the Scriptures are profitable for teaching, reproof, correction, and instruction in righteousness so that we may be adequate, equipped for every good work.  Psalm 1:1-6 tells us that the Lord knows the way of the righteous.  These are good and encouraging things to keep in mind while we study the Bible learning from God how to do what is right.
     Please keep in mind that exploring God’s written word can lead to unexpected, sometimes even uncomfortable, discoveries.  In Matthew chapter 19 and Mark chapter 10, some Pharisees came asking Jesus questions about divorce… and He gave them answers they had trouble accepting.
     My point is that God’s written word doesn’t always tell us what we want to hear, but it does tell us what we need to know.